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How the Triangular Theory of Love Can Lead to Fulfilling Intimate Connections and Relationships

7/23/2021

Author: Alejandra Hilbert

Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed that there are three different building blocks which combine to form different types of love. These components are intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy is defined as feelings of warmth, understanding, trust, support, and sharing. Passion is characterized by physical arousal and desire, excitement, and need. Finally, commitment is typified by feelings of permanence, stability, and the decisions to devote oneself to a relationship and to work to maintain it.

Under Sternberg’s model, there are eight relationship types (as illustrated here). Utilizing Sternberg’s conceptualization of romantic partnerships, one can compare a romantic relationship to a stool. A stool only propped up by one leg is much less likely to support one’s weight, whereas a three legged stool could unwaveringly; thus, relationships with two or more of the critical components will lead to a greater sense of fulfillment, dependence, and security. Utilizing the stool metaphor, single leg relationships are those with only one building block. An example of this relationship structure is empty love, which describes a relationship where commitment is high, but there is little intimacy or passion—in essence, a work relationship. Conversely, a relationship which is high in passion but lacks intimacy and commitment is infatuation, or colloquially known as a crush. Intimacy, passion, and commitment are all absent in nonlove. Ideally, a strong dose of all three components should exist within the partnership, as typified by consummate love.

Throughout the course of the relationship, there will likely be a shift in prevalence of particular blocks and how they appear. Passion may run high in the beginning of a new romantic relationship, as coined by the term new relationship energy (NRE). Sheer novelty adds excitement and energy to new loves. Once a relationship is established and novelty is lost, passion slowly subsides; typically the longer a relationship lasts, the less passionate it becomes. However, other components, like intimacy and commitment, are bolstered to maintain balance. Time alone does not cause intimacy, passion, and commitment to occur and grow, but rather deliberate effort is needed to foster these critical components if they do not initially exist in your partnership. Knowledge of this model of love may help couples avoid pitfalls in their relationship, allow for intentional work in areas that need improvement, or aid partnerships recognize when it may be time for a relationship to end.

Sternberg asserts that reaching consummate love is often easier than maintaining it. Understanding that there is an ebb and flow in which building blocks may appear in our relationships, have are few recommendations on how to cultivate continuous consummate love:

Increasing Intimacy: Seek out ways to connect on an emotional level. One simple exercise comes from Dr. Monique Thompson, in which she suggests looking into each other’s eyes, silently, for a few minutes.
Increasing Passion: Sexologist Shannon Boodram created a Turn on Trigger Quiz to help individuals understand what, beyond instinctual biological norms, gets one excited in the bedroom. Consider taking the quiz with your partner to maintain a deeper understanding of both your and your partner’s sexual needs and desires.
Increasing Commitment: As a dyad, try setting aside 10 minutes each week to visualize your ideal future together. Discussing your dream car, home, and aspirations as a couple may increase your feelings of warmth and commitment to achieve those dreams.

Sources

Sternberg, R. J. (1986) A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.
- https://motamem.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/A-Triangular-Theory-of-Love-Robert-Sternberg.pdf
Sternberg, R. J. (1988) The Triangle of Love: Intimacy, Passion, Commitment, Basic Books (ISBN 0465087469)
Miller, Rowland S. Intimate Relationships. McGraw-Hill Education, 2018.
Thompson, Monique A. Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples: Tools and Exercises to Rebuild Your Relationship. Rockridge Press, 2021.
Shannon Boodram, Sexologist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtzAAAeaS2s

About the Author:
Alejandra (she/they) is an alumnus of the University of California, Berkeley, achieving undergraduate degrees in Psychology and Legal Studies. During her tenure at Cal, Alejandra served as the lead undergraduate researcher for Jason Okonofua’s Bias and Discrimination Lab. Her interest in Psychology lies in promoting healthy and fulfilling romantic relationships. She hopes to pursue a Psy. D. in Clinical Psychology.

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Social Media’s Impact on Anxiety and Depression

7/16/2021

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Author: Cate Cabri

Connections with others have a major impact on our happiness as well as our well-being. One way that many people seek to strengthen these connections with others is through the use of social media. Social media has become so commonly used in our society as a main method of communication for many people, sometimes even replacing face-to-face interactions. Although there are some positive aspects of using social media, there are also major concerns, including raising levels of anxiety and depression.
If used in an unhealthy way, social media can take a major toll on people's mental health. A few warning signs to look out for that social media could be negatively affecting your mental health include:

Finding yourself constantly comparing yourself or your life to others on social media. Even though many of us are aware that social media only shows the highlights of someone’s life, we can still feel inadequate compared to others when seeing beautiful vacation photos or hearing about someone’s latest life achievement.
Feeling stress or pressure to post often or immediately respond to a friend’s post. Feeling pressure to come up with the perfect comment or post the perfect photo can create more stress and feelings of anxiety.
Frequently using social media as a “security blanket” when feeling anxious or sad to avoid these feelings. In social situations when we are feeling anxious, we will often rely on our phones by scrolling through social media instead of trying to get through the sometimes awkward silences by making an effort to talk to people. This can be problematic because face-to-face interaction with those we are spending time with is generally something that is shown to ease anxiety. By scrolling through our phones, we are denying ourselves of this interaction and anxiety levels continue to be heightened. Additionally, many people use their phones to avoid their emotions whether with others or by themselves, using the phone to distract them, as opposed to feeling their feelings, or engaging with their thoughts.

However, if used in a healthy way, there are many positive aspects of social media.

Fostering communication with loved ones. One positive aspect of social media is the ability to easily communicate with friends and family members who you may not be able to see often otherwise. Living far from loved ones or not being able to see people as often as you would like can make catching up on social media a great way to stay in touch, especially now, with the Covid-19 pandemic.
Having a creative outlet to express yourself. Creativity and self-expression is another positive aspect of social media for many people. Having the freedom to post things that you are passionate about or that show your personality and style can be a great way to express yourself.
Using social media as a way to stay informed. Social media can also allow us to become aware of significant issues going on in the world and access important information. It is easy to open Instagram and immediately have access to and share information about current events instead of having to search for information elsewhere, although it is important to use your best judgment to stay informed and not allow yourself to be only informed by the opinions of others.

Since social media can be a positive addition to people’s lives when used in moderation and in a healthy way, it is important to check in on our social media use. There are many different ways that we can make an effort to use social media in a healthier way. Some things to keep in mind while using social media include:

Consider whether you’re using social media as a replacement for real-life social interaction. Humans need face-to-face contact. Replacing this face-to-face interaction with communicating over a screen leads to a higher risk for developing anxiety or depression. Chatting online or communicating through social media does not have the same benefits for your mental health as talking to people face-to-face. Even using methods such as FaceTime or video chatting is a better substitute versus social media. This way your brain can still pick up on tone, body language, and other physical cues that are all part of communicating with another person.
Are you actively or passively using social media? Passively using social media, meaning scrolling through social media feeds without ever posting, can actually increase feelings of isolation. This passive use of social media can have even more negative effects on mental health than actively using social media, as you may feel more excluded or isolated. You can actively use social media by posting a photo you like and want to share or by commenting on a friend’s post.
Does social media make you feel inadequate or disappointed with your life in any way? If so, this is a sign you may want to limit the amount you are on social media or modify the way you are using it. If social media is something that begins to impact your mental health in more negative ways than positive, you may want to rethink how you are using these platforms.
Make an effort to use social media in moderation. Setting app limits on your phone can be a helpful way to make sure you are spending a healthy amount of time on social media (for example, setting a daily time limit on social media apps that will lock these apps after that amount of time has been exceeded). You can also look at your screen time each week to evaluate how much time you spent on social media apps and consider if this amount of time needs to be adjusted.

However, in many studies, time spent on social media platforms has a positive correlation with rates of depression. In a 2017 study with over half a million participants, it was found that the number of eighth through 12th graders showing high levels of depression increased by 33% between 2010 and 2015, which is also a time when social media gained popularity. Many experts believe that this increase in rates of depression proves that connections people have with one another via social media are less emotionally satisfying, which leaves people still feeling socially isolated. Instead of heavy social media use, setting aside time to spend with friends offline, or even making conversation with strangers throughout the day, can be great alternatives to social media and can improve our well-being.
Research on the impacts of social media on anxiety has shown that anxious people tend to rely on social media as a means of escaping from what they are worried about. However, once on social media, new stressors become an issue that fuels the initial anxiety that the person was already experiencing. Individuals with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, for example, often compare themselves negatively with others on social media, which leads to a higher level of anxiety than they were initially experiencing.
Social media can be an addictive platform. Research has shown that posting a photo and getting lots of likes and positive, validating comments can be addictive. When you receive positive feedback on a post, this triggers the release of dopamine in the brain (a “reward” chemical). This can cause people to want to continue posting to get more of this validation. This is something to keep in mind when using social media - what is your intention and why are you choosing to post? There is not necessarily one correct intention with posting on social media but it is something to consider, as using social media for the wrong reasons (like for the purpose of only using it to try to get validation or trying to fit in with others) can lead to an unhealthy relationship with social media and can contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression.
Overall, there are positive aspects to social media when used in a healthy way, and it is important to consider your own social media use and how it is affecting your life. Check in with yourself on your social media use and consider any adjustments that you could make to ensure that social media is affecting your life in a positive way.

Sources:
Social Media and Mental Health
The Impact of Social Media on Youth Mental Health
Anxiety and Social Media Use
Does Social Media Cause Depression?

About the author:
Cate is a student at Loyola University Chicago where she is majoring in Psychology with a minor in Psychology of Crime and Justice. She plans on attending graduate school to become a clinical social worker. In her free time, she enjoys hiking and spending time with family and friends.

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How the Triangular Theory of Love Can Lead to Fulfilling Intimate Connections and Relationships

Social Media’s Impact on Anxiety and Depression

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